ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
