My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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