but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
