is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I love you.
Bad choice
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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