i think i recognize dicks better than faces
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
