I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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