I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Can you bring me the toilet please
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
