Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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