My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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