I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
