my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
