Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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