I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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