Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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