Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
