I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
