i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Your mouth is God's brothel.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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