Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
