Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
