i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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