How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
