im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
there was a trapeze. enough said
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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