Umm I'm too high to move.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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