my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
