idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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