Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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