I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
