Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
