I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
