Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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