I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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