I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
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