if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
