she is the kim kardashian of front butts
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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