I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
