good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
