Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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