JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
