He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
