so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
