We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
