I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
it was like eating out sand paper
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
