my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
it's like iHOP with fire
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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