Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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