I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
