Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Randomize
