he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
