i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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