just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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