To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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