My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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