can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
